Fear Will Not Decide For Me

I, like so many others in this country, live on the edge. Not the ragged edge, not even the thin edge. Perhaps on the slightly thin edge, away from absolute danger yet near enough to wonder from day to day just what tomorrow will bring. Of course most of this "edge" is financial although a good amount of my edge has to do with my health.

My throat is still somewhat swollen from angioedema. My upper lip is still slightly oversized. It's not getting worse, which is a somewhat good sign. On the other hand if it is getting better, the rate of improvement is not substantial. I live with the constant concern now that my throat will suddenly close up due to some random reaction to the chemical stew of drugs I am taking right now.

My finances are like that too. I never know in the middle of the month if I can make it to the end. Good things happen yet I find myself in this place often, hoping for a monetary miracle to occur. They do. Often. I seem to make it through.

I refuse to let these fears dominate my life. I want to live as much as I can before I die, be that a financial or physical death. That's why I bought a wine kit today. It's my way of sticking up my middle finger at the threats. I will not stand still because something bad might happen. I will keep living day to day, as best I can, for as long as I can. Should the swelling of angioedema end my life tonight, someone will drink this wine. That I know.

Living in fear is no way to live. It is a burdensome jacket, sweltering in the summer heat yet failing to bring warmth against the winter cold. Fear simply weighs you down. It is not that I am not afraid. I most certainly am. I just refuse to let fear be the thing which makes my decisions for me. I trust in the good things. It always seems to work out somehow.