Another Day

I am in a fair bit of pain today from shingles, that marvelous illness born out of a virus laying dormant in my body since childhood chicken pox. The muscles beneath the affected nerve just plain hurt, twitching every once in a while, all on their own, reminding me that some parts of me are still viable, and can still be attacked by other illnesses. I hurt a lot.

On top of the pain from shingles, there are the normal aches and pains in my life. ALS does not directly cause these aches and pains. They arise as a result of weakened muscles trying too hard, or due to odd sleeping positions because by legs don't move, or simply because it's there. These aches and pains are manageable on their own; I can live with them. Adding the shingles pain, however, really saps my spirit and what limited energy I have within me.

This morning, for the first time ever, I wished I had someone here to help me get dressed and get out of bed. This morning, for the first time ever, I felt like I needed help, real help, with getting into my daily life. It took all I had within me to finally gain the momentum needed to start my day. This feeling of submission is without doubt fully attributable to the pain I feel. The combination of ALS and shingles really got to me this morning. I feel like I am a metal bar being slowly beaten, struck by the hammer of destiny against the anvil of life, bent into shapes I do not desire.

I am not depressed, just worn out, like an old horse too long in the traces. My body is failing me inside and out. Pain is exhausting. Fighting on while in pain is exhausting. Soon I really will need more help; soon the hammer will shape me completely and I will be done. For now, I just have to get up and keep going. That's all I really know how to do. It is not in my makeup to stop. It is not a part of my ethos to give up. I am just that way; I just keep trying. Today I am going to try to make it through another day, that is all.