Feeling Two Ways

A lot you you will have noticed the patterns in the style and content of my blog entries. When I am in a good space, my blog entries are light and easy. When I have nothing to say, my blog entries are generally vapid and listless. When I am struggling I often write about my condition and the impact of ALS on my life. Contemplation begets contemplative, and so on.

Today I have a lot of different feelings. I am having what I used to call “a bad leg day” except now that term covers most of my body. My shoulders and arms hurt, I’ve been coughing a lot the last few days, I am tired despite having slept well last night. Yet I want to be up and about and active and alive.

Also today I have the split feelings of wanting to stay in Cuba for a few more days and wanting to go home today. I like it here. The hotel staff are wonderful to me and I am really enjoying my time here. Yet I also want to go home. I miss the “normalcy” of my life at home, my own kitchen, my own coffee maker, my own bed.

The apartment is well setup for me and it takes less energy for daily living. Here I have to wheel everywhere, to dinner, for coffee, for lunch. Even the Internet is in a small space at the end of the hotel and there is no ramp so I have to get help to get up the single step. At home, everything is in its place; here, everything is someplace else.

In reality much of my emotional space is a duality. Newton’s First Law of Physics says “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.” Richard’s First Law of Emotion says “For every feeling there is an equal and opposite feeling… mostly.”

I am looking forward to going home; I am sad about leaving. I want help; I want to be independent. I want to love and be loved; I don’t want someone else to suffer from this disease too. I want to explore the world; I want to be safe at home. I want to work and be productive; I want to relax and enjoy my life.

I want to live; I want to die. Which is it? Both, I suppose.