Anxiety

I am struggling with anxiety this morning. I shouldn't be; I have nothing to be anxious about, I mean, other than having a terminal illness, not working and thus not making money, travelling thousands of miles alone in my truck, needing wheelchair accessible hotels and restaurants, and just life in general. But those really aren't things to be anxious about, except perhaps the terminal illness part.

That's the goofy thing about anxiety. It's not fear, nor is it worry. Both of those require something specific. Anxiety is a generalized sort of monster, picking on no particular things but picking on them all, generating that discomfort within that leads not to action but perversely, inaction. Anxiety makes you want to walk, but only in a small circle. Anxiety makes you want to lie down and sleep yet it keeps you awake. It leaves you unable to pick what to do and unable to do what you pick.

I know I can, and will, drive safely and arrive at my chosen destination. I know I have enough money for at least a couple of years and my recent experience with ALS has taught me that any horizon longer than a few years is pointless. I know there are plenty of restaurants and hotels and motels strung like little square box commercial pearls along the string of highway on which I will be driving. I know I can do this alone. Yet I am anxious.

I want to go on the road yet I want to stay home. I want to run from this awful disease yet no matter where I go, there it is right along side me, or inside me for that matter. At some point I will no longer be able to do road trips solo; this is the time to do them. As soon as next summer this kind of life may end for me, much like my sailing life ended this summer. I know I should go, but I am anxious.

I will miss my friends and the safety of home. I have learned how much I like it here, how much it means to me to have my friends around, how great a life I have. What am I thinking, going away from all of this when I am so comfortable here? What kind of idiot spends lots of money to go on a drive when he has a perfectly good life without going anywhere? Why?

You see, that's anxiety for you. No matter what question you answer, there will be another to follow it. Anxiety has nothing to do with solving anything. It's just worry without purpose. So what I will do is load my gear, get in my truck and start driving. Then, having made a decision, my anxiety will fall away like the unneeded cloak it is. I just have to get started.