Sadness, Loneliness

I awoke this morning in an emotional hue tinged with sadness. I had a dream last night, one filled with rejection. Some details are so personal, so self-revealing that even for me it is too risky to expose them; these were in my dreams. Suffice it to say that, on waking, I was just plain sad.

Recently one of my online friends said I sounded lonely in my writing. This is true, I am lonely. I am walking this road solo, just like this road trip. It is not easy; it is a time in my life when I should have had a loving wife by my side, my children around me. I do have family in my life but there are still large emotional gaps that I must full on my own.

I don't blame anyone for this. After all, I chose to move to Calgary, leaving BC, leaving Mom and Ray. I chose to leave my wife; my divorce has forced some tough choices and my wife has managed to ally most of our ex-friends to her cause. They were probably never really my friends at all, but still it is another brick in the wall of solitude. My children have lives of their own and they are still dealing with the damage of this divorce and my illness. My brothers have lives of their own. My friends have lives of their own. There are very few people who can just put their life on hold simply because I want to go on a road trip.

This road trip is a good example. I don't like travelling solo, in fact I deplore it, I detest it. Yet given the alternative of being alone while travelling or sitting home alone, I choose to explore and travel as much as I can while I still can. It will end soon enough and the sadness of alone is less than what I will know will be the sadness of leaving these adventures undone. Aside from the obvious logistical challenges of driving across the country alone, being the only driver, struggling with hotels, loading and unloading; aside from these physical things there are emotional challenges. My hotel here in Barrie is a good example, a view in specific of the general stabs that my psyche takes as I travel single.

My room has a Jacuzzi tub set nicely into a tiled corner. It looks so inviting, so much like it is calling for someone to sit in it, enjoy the jets of hot water, have a glass of wine, a bit of chocolate and share a romantic, sensual moment or two. I am alone; romance and sensuality are difficult as a singleton. So I look at it an remember a time when I was not alone, when I had someone to share these moments.

Even though I am in a wheelchair I think these thoughts. When I realize how difficult it would be for me, I think to myself how nice it would be for someone to use that tub even if I could only share the moment vicariously, listening to the rush of the water, hearing someone tell me how it felt, how it relaxed. I could still share the wine and chocolate. Perhaps this is why I dreamed my dream. Perhaps this is why, this morning more than most, I feel sad and lonely.