A Long, Slow Dance

I am tired this morning, more tired than usual. After going to bed near midnight, I slept until 10:00 AM this morning. That's 10 hours of sleep, enough, one would think, to be reasonably rested in the morning. It is not lack of sleep that makes me tired this morning, at least I don't think it is. More than anything it was the process of getting up, getting dressed, and getting going.

Some mornings are harder than others. Some take an awful lot, others seem relatively easy. This morning has been one of those harder ones, where each motion seems to take a little extra effort, where putting on clothes takes just a bit longer, where getting pills out of bottles seems just a bit more difficult. Even the process of sliding down the bed to get into my wheelchair seemed more challenging and tiring.

Last night while I was out with friends, I noticed a blood stain on my jeans, right in my groin. I knew what it was, one of those unexplained bleeders I get on an irregular basis. This morning the stains were all the more apparent as I changed my underwear. Eventually I found the source although I don't know why I bothered. The bleeding had stopped. Yet there were the inevitable blood spots.

All in all, it is a slow, tedious start to my day. It is a long, slow dance. Soon enough the music will stop, yet I keep dancing. I will dance until the last note has finished reverberating through my life, until the band no longer plays on. On these difficult mornings, I will still get up, still get dressed, still get going. On these difficult mornings, I will still do that which is necessary to keep on dancing.

Today my daughter and granddaughter will come to visit. This is the reward for the work and effort it has taken to get mobile. Today I will hear the laughter of the next generation, see the energy of childhood and joy of discovery. Today my daughter will tell me of her life, sharing with me the things that make her days move forward, her successes and struggles. Today I will live outside myself for a few hours, forgetting the tiredness, dancing still. The music is still playing.