I Make Mistakes

I make mistakes in my life. Some of them are small, some large. Most of them are mistakes which primarily harm me. Sometimes they are mistakes which hurt the feelings of those I love the most, of those who are the most important in my life. I regret each and every mistake I make; I most regret those where I hurt the people I love.

People say things like "you should lean from your mistakes" and "you should never make the same mistake twice". The problem is that I am a slow learner; I often make the same mistake over and over again, as if the lessons in the mistakes were unlearnable by me, as if I was blind to the changes I need to make in order to avoid making that same mistake over and over again.

The interesting thing in all this is that I know I am not alone in this. I see it in others around me, people making mistakes in their lives over and over again, in ways that hurt not just themselves but others around them. We are such sensitive creatures, such emotional creatures; it is this sensitivity, this emotional softness in us that is hurt so much in daily life. For some that softness is well protected with a hard shell, toughened through life's experiences. For others that softness is in reality a firm bed of emotional strength, made firm through lessons in life about what it means to love and be loved.

My own emotional bed has been firmed substantially in the last year or so. This disease has made me look deeply at the parts of my life that matter, at the people in my life that matter. This disease has made me see that the strength in my life lies not in my own power, but in my willingness to be cared for, and to care for those around me. I am remaking my emotional bed, from a weak, soft bed surrounded by a hard shell, to a firm bed, strengthened from deep within, covered in blankets of care and compassion, large enough for more than myself, welcoming, warm, and caring.

I make mistakes, plenty of them. If I want to sleep at nights I have to acknowledge them, fix them where I can, and ask for forgiveness from those I hurt along the way. It's the best I can do for now.