Wednesday, 2 April 2014

I'm Tired Of Bleeding

I'm tired of bleeding. I'm tired of scratching my head only to come up with chunks of dried blood from some small nick that began mysteriously. I'm tired to small cuts on my fingers gained while doing renovation work turn into small streams of blood, causing all work to stop until staunched. I'm tired of seeing small spots of blood in my underwear, dripped from some small blister or fissure, now dried and closed.

I'm tired of bruising. I'm tired of waking up in the mornings to find bruises rising ripe and colourful on my legs, or arms, or belly, bruises of unknown origin or provenance. I'm tired of seeing them start small and grow, moving from brown to purple to yellow across the days. I'm tired of wondering how the hell I did that, or where this one came from.

All of this, and more, is a result of taking warfarin, rat poison, to stop the blood from clotting in my veins, a result of spending too my time sitting, too much time immobile on my wheelchair cushion. The medication is purportedly keeping me alive, as the clot could have moved to my heart or lungs and done serious damage, perhaps even a pulmonary embolism. We don't even know if the clot is still there; it doesn't matter as without medication it is an almost certainty that other clots will form, ready to do their mischief on my body.

This is just another part of life for me. It's not really even a part of ALS per se, but just a result of my losing my legs. I know other people who take this same medication for a variety of blood clot related issues. Some have the same effect as me, bleeding easily and readily. Others, it seems, have very little of this kind of outcome, even though they take anti-coagulation medication. As with all things human, it seems a very personal, almost individual outcome.

For me, it is just another annoyance in my world of ALS related annoyances. It may not seem like a big deal, but I am sure tired of it. It's something I just have to get used to. That doesn't mean I have to like it; I don't.

2 comments:

  1. Some days we get tired of a lot of stuff in life. We all do. You have the courage and the guts to admit it.I t may sound like its a bunch of "little things" to others but to the person going through them, they can be a mountain we just dont have the strength to climb.
    I can now go for days,saying Im OK and actually feeling it, and then I wake up one morning and pray that God will just take me,the pain is so great. Its often "those little things"that people dont understand that can take us down the lowestt. A little word of encouragement,or even an acknowledgement might be all it takes to help us keep our heads above water.Its not that others are delibretly cruel, they just dont understand, and some, honestly, just dont care. Im learning to "just not care about them either". It doesnt hurt so much that way.

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  2. It is no wonder you are tired my dearest. Sitting all the time and enduring the hardships of ALS. it breaks my heart. I love you.
    Mom

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