I'm shaking pretty badly today. It's not a violent kind of shaking; it's a subtle shaking reflecting the weakness of my body in general. I am no longer strong. I am no longer capable of throwing off a really busy day and moving into the next one. A busy day for me means I need a day of rest afterwards. Yesterday was a very busy day, and I stayed up late.
It has been a motto for me that "If you can't do the time, don't do the crime." In a non-criminal perspective, it means that if I am not willing to suffer the consequences of my actions, then don't do it. The problem I have these days is that I am not entirely certain what any given set of consequences might be. A late night might simply mean sleeping in the next day. A busy day might simply mean going to bed early or sleeping longer. On the other hand, there are days, like today, where the consequence is far greater than I expected.
Of course the truth is that I had a bit of wine last night, perhaps a bit too much. My past experience with this has always been to get up and face the day, rise above my body's limitations and push myself through. I can still do this some days, even with ALS. On the other hand, some days I cannot. This is one of those days.
Part of the problem might be that I have nothing on my agenda for today, nothing planned, no responsibilities. That means I can sort of "give up" on making myself go. Since there are no imperatives in my day, I can sleep until late in the afternoon, eat when I get up, give my body a chance to feel bad. I find I do much better when I have things to do. When there is no plan, I do nothing; that's not really a good way to live.
Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow I will have recovered from yesterday. Tomorrow I have things to do, things on my agenda, things planned. That will help me get up and go. I don't know what it will do about the shaking, but I won't have a lot of time to think about it. I can focus on what I have to do, not how I feel.
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