I Feel Crappy Today

I am having a tough day today, at least so far. I have days like this, more now than in the past. Good days are not all that often in coming. My body is shaking. I am sweating even though I am not hot. My neck and left shoulder are cramping. I am tired despite having plenty of sleep. I just feel crappy.

The problem with this, of course, is that only the shoulder and neck cramping is truly attributable to ALS. The other symptoms could be any number of things. Perhaps I am fighting off a cold. Perhaps I've spent too much time in bed over the last couple of days, making up for a late night that went into morning on Friday and Saturday. Perhaps I am just getting older and my body is giving me a rough time.

Here is what I know for sure. When my body is busy dealing with ALS, other parts of it don't get the energy they need to function well. I am used to having a body that could deal with almost anything, stand up to almost any test. I am used to having a body that could work all day, play all night, get a couple of hours sleep, and then do it all over again. I am used to having a body that could shake off most colds or small illnesses quickly, allowing me to get back on the move again.

I don't have that body anymore. This new body that I have is frail, subject to fits of hunger and complete loss of appetite in the same moment, subject to shaking and cramping, subject to exhaustion when there is no apparent cause. This new body of mine does not take well to being pushed, to being asked to reach beyond its limits. This new body of mine is not strong, nor resilient. It simply cannot keep up anymore.

So here I am, a day like today, beautiful outside, BC Lions game on TV, no responsibilities or expectations, and all I want to do is climb back into bed once again, to see if the shaking and cramping will stop, to see if the sweating will pass, to see if I can feel better. Even though nothing is wrong with me, except ALS.