Home care came today, but I did not do exercises. They were put aside in favour of cleaning up after another one of my humiliating body failure moments. This morning I went to the toilet. When I was done, or at least when I thought I was done, I transferred to my wheelchair. At that moment my body decided to release further contents. After transferring to the shower, I cleaned up my wheelchair.
I had my shower and made my way to the bed to get changed. I asked the HCA to check my rear end to ensure it was clean and tidy. She did. It was. So I got dressed. In the middle of that process, once again my body decided to release further contents. My sheets were soiled. We needed to change the linens. At this point, thoroughly embarrassed by my inability to control my own shit, I asked the HCA to just change the bed linens and we would call it a day.
This failing in the process of ablution has to do with my weakening core muscles. Since I can't fully push out my colon contents, I am having to learn to patiently wait for the process to self-complete. Alas, I am not a patient man. I think I am complete. The rest of me feels complete. Unfortunately now and again, I am incomplete. Embarrassment ensues.
I know that the HCA's are supposed to be trained to handle this kind of situation, even a brand new HCA like I had this morning. That training failed to take hold; she sort of looked at me, dumbfounded that I had shit on my own sheet. I found myself issuing instructions to the HCA as to what to do and how to do it. At the end, I just didn't have the emotional energy to not only guide the cleaning but manage her through the exercise process as well.
It should come as no surprise that I am more than ready to be done with this life. Katherine is the only thing that keeps me hanging on; that and the fact that I am really too chicken to take my own life already. Even so, the level of humiliation, embarrassment, and shame I feel over this completely failing body is enough. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.
ditto--even though its not our fault we feel ashamed of how we smell or look. All i can suggest is faith and prayer--god allows this to happen and in some way its bearable. i'll pray for us to have enough strength to deal with it.
ReplyDeleteHey Richard! Please don't ever feel ashamed, humiliated..... Go with the flow, as they say. A lot of these HCA's may have their "Diplomas", but that does not qualify them to know what you are going through, what you are sick with..... and especially NOT trained for Understanding, Thoughtfulness.... Now-a-days, " it's "just a job" attitude & "where's my pay cheque?" You do, feel...whatever it is, don't take it to heart. Let it go & let it be. It's their problem, NOT yours!
ReplyDeleteI totally admire your Strength, courage... You ARE Awesome Richard. You have touched so many lives/hearts.... Keep writing until you positively cannot do it any more or have someone write it down for you.... Please don't ever stop. We need you! All my love to you Richard.
Hey Richard! Please don't ever feel ashamed, humiliated..... Go with the flow, as they say. A lot of these HCA's may have their "Diplomas", but that does not qualify them to know what you are going through, what you are sick with..... and especially NOT trained for Understanding, Thoughtfulness.... Now-a-days, " it's "just a job" attitude & "where's my pay cheque?" You do, feel...whatever it is, don't take it to heart. Let it go & let it be. It's their problem, NOT yours!
ReplyDeleteI totally admire your Strength, courage... You ARE Awesome Richard. You have touched so many lives/hearts.... Keep writing until you positively cannot do it any more or have someone write it down for you.... Please don't ever stop. We need you! All my love to you Richard.