Sunday, 5 January 2014

I Feel Good

I must confess to an odd feeling of contentment today, an inexplicable feeling of satisfaction and comfort in my life. While I most certainly have all the challenges you can imagine, while I am certainly unhappy with my illness and shortened life span, while there is no doubt that ALS dominates my life these days, it doesn't seem to be able to take away the joy and pleasure I find in my daily existence. I'm not sure why, or where this comes from, but I feel good, not just today but lots of days.

More and more I find myself looking inward. As my world collapses towards me, my circle of life getting smaller and smaller with the passage of time, I find myself less upset with it than I thought I might be. There was a time when the idea of sitting in this living room, looking out that window, seeing the mall and distant sky, day after day, seemed anathema to me, seemed some sort of punishment, some sort of loss. Oddly enough, it doesn't really happen like that, the losses that plague my body seem unable to consistently plague my spirit. Some days you get the bear; some days the bear gets you.

It's not always like this, me with this internal sense of calm and comfort. There are most certainly bad days, bad hours, bad minutes, when I just want it all to end. These usually happen when I am deep in the midst of some struggle with an activity of daily living, with those mundane tasks that we all deal with morning to evening. These bad bits come when other bad bits conspire, yet all I need do is put one foot in front of the other, figuratively speaking, and keep going. Then things seem to get better.

With this time and personal contentment, I find myself more able to contemplate the really large thoughts in my life. I think about why, who, and what, in ways that go beyond my doorstep, in ways that reach outside of my personal shell. I begin to look at the inputs and outputs of my life with more meaning, the anger of ALS slipping away and the reality of a life well lived coming through. I see things better.

I am still living my life even with this broken body. I am fortunate. I have the time and at least some of the strength to continue. I have the space in my spirit to find joy in my daily life. I have the gift of laughter and love. I have a lot. Perhaps that is why I feel so good today.

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