Thoughts In The Night

Last night was a tough night. I was tired and went to bed at 10:00 PM, an hour earlier than usual. I expected, on sleeping through the night, to awaken early this morning, ready to get started on my day. Jim is different; he is a night owl, usually staying up until 2:00 AM and not getting up and started until nearly noon. I accept this. He is doing the work on his own time and in his own way. The work gets done; that is all that really matters.

After heading to bed early, I awoke at 12:30 AM, laying in my bed, uncomfortable and unable to get comfortable. I tossed and turned until about 2:00 AM, finally giving up on both sleep and comfort, instead grabbing a book to read and hoping that the density of the material would give me pause and cause to sleep. I heard Jimmy go to sleep at 2:30 AM while I remained awake. I read for a while yet continued to be unable to drive myself to restful slumber. At 4:00 AM I put the book aside and once again closed my eyes in a sham of sleeping. Eventually tiredness took over. The last time I looked at the clock it was 5:00 AM; the next time I looked was when I awoke for my day at 10:23 AM.

I am fairly sure I know why I could not sleep last night. Despite the ultimately positive outcomes heralded by the renovations to my bathroom, these changes are a reflection of the continuing losses foisted upon me by ALS. The ripping, tearing, banging, cutting, dustiness of my apartment is a simple fact driven by my changing body and abilities. It's upsetting. It's painful, each bang and cut reminding me of what is happening and why.

I spent much of my waking time last night thinking about what was happening and what I was doing. Then I would worry more about whether or not we were making the right changes, and what might go wrong with the changed layout. That meal sufficiently chewed, I would return again to considering the source of these changes and what might happen next.

I am tired today; I'm going to need a nap. I sit here tapping away, listening to the TV in the background as Jim has his pre-work rest, his period of mental preparation before he begins the heavy physical tasks of the day. I'm already thinking of going back to bed. There are things I need to do today, and I will do them. I'll just be tired, not something new or unusual these days.