Tuesday, 23 September 2014

A Day Of Nothing

I've decided to stay home from my regular Tuesday night Trivia group for tonight. I'm not ill, nor am I too tired, nor am I depressed. I just don't feel like going tonight. It can happen. Instead I have decided to stay home, watch something on Netflix, eat leftovers, have a few beers, and do almost nothing.

This whole day has been about doing nothing. In fact I just got out of bed a few minutes ago, purportedly to get dressed to go to Trivia. It was in that effort that I decided I would just stay at home. I've never really done this before, spent a whole day in bed, unless I was sick. Even when I have been sick, even in hospital, I have made it a point to get up and out of bed.

This all really started last night. I went to bed at a decent hour but could not sleep. As the sleepless hours wore past, I started to get angrier and angrier at my disease, the frustration and rage rising within me as I thought more and more about what ALS is taking from me, about what it is stealing, about how much of life I am missing, how much more I will miss.

This kind of anger is a common part of the grieving process. Yesterday I had to confront the reality of another stage of losses, both past and soon to come. With ALS you don't just grieve once; you do it repeatedly, almost constantly, for much of the time you spend with this silent killer. I am coming ever more firmly to grips with what this disease is doing, and will do, to me, for the rest of my shortened life.

Eventually last night I finally fell asleep. When I awoke late this morning I remembered that I had nothing to do today, nothing on my calender; no visits from home care workers, no appointments with doctors, nothing to do until Trivia tonight. So I decided to rest. Once I was done resting, I got myself a good book and read it, completely, while staying in bed.

I have food at home. I have beer in the fridge. I need a quiet time after a very busy week last week. A day of nothing is not a bad thing. I like the calm of it all.

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