Mea Culpa, Sort Of

I think I am going to stay at home for a while, cocoon in and reduce my social calendar. There have been a few things over the last couple of weeks which have lead me to suspect that the medication I take for PBA is no longer working. The doctor warned me that this might happen, that my body would likely adjust to the mild anti-depressant that they give me to keep my IEED under control.

This is not my first run-in with this unfortunate condition associated with ALS. I first wrote about it in December last year. I also wrote about it when I started my medication, something called Venlafaxine, back in February. That is when the doctor warned me that we might have to increase the dosage or change the medication at some point. I think we are at that point.

I've noticed over the last several weeks a general decline in my mood, a soft slide into something like depression but not quite. I've also noticed that I am more emotionally needy, although I have always been that way. I've bounced around emotionally quite a bit. Then, finally, last night it happened; a full blown panic attack while sitting in the front seat of my truck, parked in the parking lot at Banker's Hall, on my way to Tuesday night trivia.

I didn't even want to go to trivia last night. I've seen that for a few weeks now, where the effort of doing something simply does not seem to match the rewards. I forced myself to go; perhaps that was the genesis of the panic attack. After it settled down I went to the Unicorn Pub where we play. There, for almost no reason I can understand, my emotions continued to bubble away uncontrollably. At one point, simply in response to a comment by one of my friends, I shouted, loudly, "Hey, give me a break. I'm gonna die in 16 months." Everyone heard it; it was very awkward. Yet there you have it.

I have also found myself, of late, more prone to other inappropriate actions and emotions. I have no control of this; I feel like I am an airplane, spiraling groundward, flames and smoke coming from me, headed for the ultimate crash. I am drinking too much. I am depressed and lonely too much. I am at the risk of engaging in self-pity, but I refuse to go there as much as I can.

I know my outburst last night caused some damage. I suspect other behaviours of late have also caused damage. I hope it is not lasting; I have few bridges left in my life and I cannot afford to burn any of them. To those I hurt, I apologize. To those I embarrass, I apologize. It's all I got.