Sunday 3 January 2016

I Want To Stop

This blog is not easy for me. It's a tough thing, having something to write each morning, even tougher getting it from brain to keyboard. You would think that someone with so much to talk about would have no trouble coming up with a subject each day. The problem is that the subject is pretty much always me, and I am simply not that interesting anymore. Perhaps I never was.

What started out as catharsis for me has become almost mundane at times. Sharing my life was good when I had a life. These days the biggest accomplishment in my days is putting on pants. Going to the toilet is up there too, but that happens whether I want it to or not. Having something interesting to say becomes increasingly difficult when my biggest interest is sleeping, staying in bed.

It's hard work, with little obvious reward, and even fewer not so obvious rewards. There is no fame, no adulation, no adoring readers. There is no money, no wealth for the written word. It's an unpaid self-assigned responsibility, the only compensation these days being a record of my existence.

I think about that often. When I stop writing, I will be gone from the stage of life, if not dead in reality then most likely dead in spirit. If I write, I live. If I stop, I die. Nowadays the dying part seems increasingly attractive. When I stop, who will notice? Who will care? There are roughly 100 people who follow my writing on an irregular basis. They might notice; some will surely not. There are a couple of dozen people who will definitely notice; I suppose I should feel good about that.

Maybe I should just stop for a few days. The problem is that when I stop it's more than likely I will never start again. That's the way it works with ALS. When you stop doing something, you almost certainly stop for good. There is no coming back. But I really want to stop sometimes, like today.

12 comments:

  1. I'm sorry your feeling so down and defeated, and chances are not in your favor to improve much at this time without a cure found sooner then later. I truely wish they were... But please count me in the ones would follow you each and every day, even if I leave no comment.

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  2. Richard I read your blog every single day..I am one of the silent followers..I lok forward to read how you are doing And feeling.we all have our struggles and I am so so sorry yours are over the top.i can't imagine what you are livings through. Please keep up yhe fight.uour writings are inspirational to me. Michelle from ny

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  3. Count me in as one of your silent readers! I can understand how and why you have got to the stage you are at and what a struggle it is to communicate with us on a daily basis. May I suggest that you consider reporting in to us on an irregular basis, i.e. once a week, or so.

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  4. I read everyday too. I hope you don't stop. In a weird way, it keeps me going....

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  5. Another silent reader. Don't stop, please...

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  6. Richard- many thanks for your honest and detailed reports on how ALS affects you. I'm pretty sure you have many silent readers who avidly read your blog and take a huge amount of 'comfort' in knowing there are others who are experiencing the same things. I know I am. Though I do not wish this profoundly sh*tty disease on anyone, I sure am glad there are a few people who are willing to share their experience with such raw and insightful words. The Canadian perspective is appreciated as well- I'm in Vancouver, myself.
    I know what it's like to be tired, and to wonder at the point, and I sympathize. I have my moments also. Mostly in relation to dealing with my 16 yr old son. If you decide to stop today, I would be sad because YOU no longer gain comfort from writing. My hope is that you would then have the time and energy to gain comfort from something else. If you do decide to keep writing, in whatever capacity, I will relish every word you write.
    Thank you

    F

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  8. Hi Richards, I am one of your followers all the way from Kuwait. I just wanted to let you know that not only you have followers, but admirers as well, as we admire your courage, strength, persistence, and your commitment to live each day to the fullest. May God bless you and give you peace.

    I just wanted to remind you of your own words: "Happy New Day. Happy New Week. Perhaps Happy New Month. Each of these is a celebration, at least for me." so please do celebrate each day, and live a full life.

    Best,
    Mai

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  9. Hey richard from a fellow traveller on this crazy bus just want to let you know you writings are appreciated and have provided a lot of comfort thankyou

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  10. Hey richard from a fellow traveller on this crazy bus just want to let you know you writings are appreciated and have provided a lot of comfort thankyou

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  11. i read and enjoy your writing nearly every day

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