Sometimes The Anger Gets Out

I've been struggling with my emotions the last few day, fighting off the sadness and sorrow, only to have to deal with the deep underlying anger and bitterness that lives within my inner darkness. Of course these emotions can only live if I feed them, and can only rise to the surface if I allow it. Yet they are there, unfed as much as I can, a seething pot, boiling in my emotional depths.

Personally I think I have done a pretty good job at living with ALS. I've managed to accept the constant changes, although not with some complaining now and again. I think I have reason to complain, but it doesn't really help that much. Notwithstanding all that, I am mostly a happy and cheerful person, ready for a challenge, excited to be with others. While that cheeriness is a front sometimes, I really am a mostly happy, upbeat person.

Unfortunately there are times when the anger comes out, sneaking out like the steam burst from an over-boiling pot. I would like to say I can control it, but I cannot. I am just not strong enough sometimes to keep the anger at bay. In these moments I can say things, do things, which I will ultimately regret. I do not excuse myself; ALS doesn't give me the right to be an asshole. All I can do is apologize when it happens.

Right now I can feel the emotional cloud lifting. My friend Andrea came over for a visit. We talked, each of us, about how things are going in our lives. I got to explain, or more correctly, to express how these negative emotions get to me sometimes, rising to the surface, taking all my emotional goodwill and replacing it with ill will. These moments pass. I can put the anger and bitterness back on the shelf, leaving it there for as long as I can.

The sadness and sorrow never really go away, no matter how happy I might seem. These are the real emotions I battle moment by moment. This duo of darkness can be held at bay, and often are so, by the love, care, and emotional support of others. To be touched by a human hand, to be held in a human heart, this clears the darkness, letting the joy of living return, letting me be happy again.