Frozen In Place

What makes me get depressed? It's a difficult question given that I have an illness of which depression is one of the noted side effects. It kind of makes sense. Let's face it, when someone tells you that you are terminal and there is nothing they can do to help you, it's kind of depressing. On the other hand, besides this constant, general underlaying sense of depression, for which I take medication, I have these moments where the feeling seems to sweep into me, washing over me like a wave upon the sand.

I was feeling pretty good an hour ago. I had eaten my brunch, had my cup of coffee, and was resting in my chair, almost at the edge of having a nap. My body needed the rest, yet my mind was active, unwilling to let go of any number of thoughts and ideas drifting through. Then, just a few minutes ago, depression hit, driving me senselessly to the edge of tears, making me wonder why I was doing all of this.

Maybe it's not really depression. Maybe it's the kind of sadness which goes with realizing the futility of things. Like a robotnic labourer on a production line, what I do now means nothing to me. I will do the same thing tomorrow; it will have the same sense of meaningless to it. The next day, and the day after that, also hold that emptiness which sadness can flood into and fill.

There are things I want to do, things I need to do. David has agreed to take me down to Vancouver from March 19th to 24th. I need to line up a caregiver to go with us; that's high on the list. I also need to contact a few different hotels to see what they have to offer in terms of room concessions for caregivers; in the UK the caregiver room was complimentary, and attached to the handicapped room. I doubt we will get that luck in Canada; this country is so backwards when it comes to helping handicapped travelers, or handicapped people in general. Did you know that Denmark will pay for prostitutes for handicapped people struggling with sexual needs? Now that's progressive.

Right now I am frozen in place. I need to do one thing, something, anything which will get me started. Once I take the first step, metaphorically of course, then the next will come naturally. I just have to get the enthusiasm for step one. First, perhaps, another cup of coffee. Then I'll go get the mail which has been piling up since last week. Then, maybe, I'll start with the hotels.