Wednesday, 30 January 2013

I Worry

I worry about a lot of things. After all, I am an expert worrier; it's probably my best skill, or worst personal trait. You choose. Regardless, I think it is fair to say I have a few new things to worry about these days.

When I went to trivia last night, I had a bit more trouble getting into the room where we play. It has a couple of steps down; I can still do that. It was going back up that worried me. I made it, thanks to help from good friends and my son. I worry about next time and how I will get to trivia when my legs fail completely as they are bound to do. I am almost there already. What will I do? How will I get into the trivia room?

As we went through trivia I found myself getting tired, something that has never happened before. Usually I am energized by my friends and by the game. Last night I found things making me want to go home early. In fact for the first time ever, I paid my bill before the evening ended and was probably the first one out. I worry that I am losing strength and energy, and what will happen when I don't have the energy to go out and have fun. Is ALS making me tired too? Is this a part of my general weakness? Should I just give up on going out to trivia night?

This morning I woke up at 5:00 AM. After getting up to go to the bathroom, I made my way back into bed. I couldn't sleep. I had begun to think about what was going to happen when I couldn't get out of bed by myself and couldn't get to the bathroom at 5:00 AM. Maybe the lack of sleep is what is making me tired. Then I started to think about what will happen when my arms fail me and I cannot raise myself up and down. How will I get in and out of bed, or on and off the toilet? Will I be able to do it with a wheelchair? What about when I can no longer even do that?

So I got up and started some Lamb Shanks in the slow cooker. I have company coming over tonight. Four lamb shanks with red wine, a bit of onion and garlic and some diced carrots, all spiced with some peppercorns and a bit of Arab spice blend (it's like a curry blend). Then I started worrying about what I was going to do when I couldn't cook or entertain any more. I love to cook and I love to entertain. Will my friends want to hang about with a wheelchair bound lump? How will I eat? Who will feed me?

Then I thought about a woman and a relationship, a whole new world of worry. You don't have to have ALS to worry about women and relationships. I think that's enough for one day.

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