Morning Sickness

You know, about ten minutes ago when I sat down to write this blog, I was feeling very sad, depressed almost. Actually I wake up most mornings with a sense of sadness and loss. That sadness comes from realizing that this is most likely how my life will end; waking up each morning alone in my bed and then one day not waking up at all.

I wondered if this was a serious, clinical depression and not just sadness. So I looked up the differences on the US National Health Information database. I found that symptoms of depression can include:

• Agitation, restlessness, and irritability (I have always been like this!)
• Becoming withdrawn or isolated (Nope, but I often feel lonely and alone. I hate waking up alone.)
• Difficulty concentrating (Nope.)
• Dramatic change in appetite, often with weight gain or loss (Nope.)
• Fatigue and lack of energy (Fatigue for good reason but certainly not a lack of mental energy.)
• Feelings of hopelessness and helplessness (Yes, but wouldn't you expect this?)
• Feelings of worthlessness, self-hate, and guilt (Nope, just my usual lack of self-esteem)
• Loss of interest or pleasure in activities that were once enjoyed (Nope, definitely not)
• Thoughts of death or suicide (Yes, but then again what would you expect in my case?)
• Trouble sleeping or too much sleeping (Nope. I just hate getting up on winter mornings.)
• Depression can appear as anger and discouragement, rather than feelings of sadness. (I am angry but then again I have something to be angry about.)

Now, just a couple of minutes later, having looked at the list I realize I don't have most of them. I am just plain sad, especially waking up in the morning alone in my bed. I am not what you would call highly motivated these days. Perhaps I should go back and look at those stages of grief again.

Then I get up, get a coffee and watch the sunrise. Then it starts to seem a bit better. As the sun rises further and the caffeine kicks in, it gets a bit better. Then I start to write, and it gets a bit better.

Is there a way to skip the morning sadness and go straight to caffeinated?