Friday, 18 January 2013

Just Another Morning

Mornings are my worst time of day. I wake up and realize another day is gone and this day is going to have the same difficulties as the last. I usually wake up disappointed and wishing I had just died in my sleep. I have to struggle to get out of bed. Now that my knee hurts from the fall on the boat, it makes it worse.

Being in New Orleans doesn't make it better. Having my son with me doesn't make it better. Having family with me doesn't make it better. I start each day sad, morose, depressed. No amount of distraction shifts my focus when I wake up. I have ALS. The elephant is in the living room. I am going to die a crappy death from this crappy disease, unless I decide on suicide. Even that is a crappy decision since I live in the ridiculous hope that tomorrow might be better.

So here I am in one of the most vibrant cities in the world thinking ugly thoughts. It's just another morning.

I get up and get dressed. Then I start this blog. Writing down these thoughts helps dispel them. Recognizing the reality of my thoughts makes it easier to deal with them. They are like shadows that disappear as I shine the light of discovery on them. As I move about, the pain eases, both emotional and physical. As I stop thinking about the disease and start thinking about life it gets incrementally better, minute by minute.

Maybe something good will happen today, something wonderful and interesting. Maybe I will meet someone who will change my life. Maybe I will see something or hear something or do something new. Maybe today is the beginning of my life, not the end of it.

Once I am past the dreadful sense of having woken alive when I want to be dead, I get better. The tools are here in hand. All I need is to write at bit and I start thinking about good possibilities.

In other words, it's just another morning.

1 comment:

  1. it really is pretty great how writing is so therapeutic... illness and pain are so incredibly selfish in how they demand our attention. I'm happy you find a way every day to get past them. Enjoy whatever your day brings.