Sleeplessness

I couldn't get to sleep last night, at least not easily. My mind was filled with thoughts and ideas and worries and a whole bunch of those awkward things called feelings. Dying from ALS is easy; anyone can do it. Living with ALS is challenging; most of us manage it. Feelings... now they are tough. Feelings are demanding,  refusing to be ignored. Thoughts and ideas insist on being heard, regardless of the hour of night.

Last night I was in a hotel room, in bed, lying there. I had no sleep aids, no wine, no scotch, nothing to slow down my racing mind. Getting out of bed is challenging enough, so there would be none of that, no getting dressed and heading out to a bar for a few beers. This is the Sandman Hotel in Abbotsford; apparently the concept of a mini-bar is yet to be implemented. Moxies is across the parking lot but I suspect that if I showed up in my wheelchair wearing nothing buy my boxer shorts, they might get a bit concerned. Regardless, they were closed anyway. It's after midnight and that's when Abbotsford goes to sleep.

Yesterday was actually pretty good. It's amazing how family and friends can wipe away the dreariness of a rain soaked sky. My morning started with breakfast at the Denny's attached to the hotel. This is the source of room service for the hotel; no room service for me. I met my daughter and grand-daughter in the restaurant and we visited over coffee, toast and pancakes. My grand-daughter is two and a half, and chatters in the cutest way. She has, as my Mom says, "personality". A visit with her and my daughter was a wonderful way to start my day.

After breakfast it was off to the lawyer's office. It takes paperwork to prepare for dying. I needed a Power of Attorney set up so that if there comes a time when I cannot communicate or manage my affairs, someone can do it for me. We also had to discuss my divorce proceedings. They are still dragging on, still consuming resources, still adding stress to my life. It must be done.

Once that was complete I got to visit a few old friends of mine, the kind of friends who have known me since I came here at 19 years of age, the friends who have seen my through marriage and children, and who are still friends at this time of my life. These are precious people and visiting with them brought sunshine into the mists of rain that continued to fall into the afternoon.

Conversations with my friends often bring me better perspective, better views of what my life means and meant. Perhaps the best comment of the days was from a very good friend of mine with very strong Christian values. We talked about the failure of my marriage, something he has never judged me for or even commented on without the greatest of sympathy and support. I had said I did the best I could, and I felt Carla had too, he said "No marriage can work when it is a marriage of servitude."

This was a stunning point of view to me. I had never considered myself in servitude. I asked him if he meant me and he went on to say not only yes, but several other things that made me think even more. It was an eye-opener, that this man with such strong faith and convictions could see the difficulty and damage from such a unique point of view.

I thought about it lat night. I am still thinking about it. I need to think about it some more.