I Slept In Today

Sleep returned to me last night, fitful though it was, parsed hourly by dozy waking. I would turn, muscling my body about, glance at the clock and realize another 60 minutes had passed without my noticing the passage of time. All I can assume is that restless sleep came upon me and I had simply awoken once again. The hours passed; midnight, one, two, three, four, then six, then eight and all of a sudden 9:30 AM was here. I looked at the clock then glanced out at the new fallen snow. In my wakeful periods at night I had seen the haze of white blanketing my window's view; I knew it would be there in the morning to greet my day.

After waking at 9:30 AM, I convinced myself that I could do better, sleep a bit more. Sure enough the next time I looked at the clock it read 10:30 and I was no longer wanting to sleep. I grabbed my current historical tome, The Kings and Queens of England, something sure to test my wakefulness completely. It did not fail to tempt me back to sleep but I was no longer tired. I got up and headed for the bathroom and shower, then I dressed and made coffee. It was noon before all was complete. I am rested and ready for the balance.

It has been suggested to me that take something to help me sleep, perhaps a bit of Atavan or something like that. I understand this suggestion; people are worried about my sleepless nights and the anxiety that permeates much of my thought these days. I do not want to do this. It's not because I fear the drug; I completely understand that these sleep medications wear of quickly and don't have the side effects of older or more potent drugs.

These drugs are routinely given to patients in hospital. It helps the staff ensure that the patient will sleep through the night, making as little bother to the nursing nighttime routine as possible. These drugs are given routinely to healthy people who depend on just that bit of help, that "Mother's Little Helper", to quell the anxiousness that resides within us all. Perhaps it might make sense for me to give into the temptation of chemically induced sleep. They tell me it will help my state of mind.

Here is my reality. My state of mind is wrapped up in ALS these days. There is no helper for this condition. My body is at war with itself, a battlefield within me, stealthily encroached upon by the tyranny of my illness. Each concession I make to this disease is a battle lost. When I give ground to this disease, there is no appeasement. There is no "peace in our time" with this enemy. As I have said before, I will not willingly give in or give up; I will not go quietly into that good night. I will fight this one on my own.