I'm Tired

Some days I get tired, really tired. It's not a physical kind of tired; it's an emotional tired. I'm so emotionally worn and damaged, so destitute of spirit, unmendable by any ministration. I just feel like giving it all up. I wish this stupid disease would just be done with me and let me rest. Some days death looks a lot more inviting than the loneliness and misery of living. I wish it would just end.

I'm tired of waiting for my kids to reach out to me without my reaching out first. I'm tired of hoping they will show some level of caring and initiative, some sort of responsibility or perhaps even gratitude for the life I gave them. I'm tired of wondering if they care. Where are they? I've driven over a thousand kilometres to be near them, yet it seems impossible for them to drive a hundred to be near me, to even make a phone call.

I'm tired of strangers staring at me in my wheelchair, giving me a full going over while the curiosity flows across their face like a movie on a theatre screen. They look at me as if I belong in some care home or circus. I can see their thoughts, wondering if I am contagious or if my infirmity is mental as well as physical. They stare as if somehow staring will provide them with the answers they clearly need to hear. Why not just ask me? Why not just politely say "What happened?" Yet no, they simply stare.

I'm tired of complete strangers feeling that it is acceptable to touch me, patting me on the shoulders and saying something completely pointless, as if their "atta boy" or "Awwww" somehow provides some encouragement to me. It you want to encourage me, treat me like a person, not an object of pity. I am not your psychic touchstone; you cannot simply touch me for luck and walk on by. Would you do that to someone not in a wheelchair?

I'm tired of fighting for a parking spot, driving round and round looking for a handicapped spot not in use, wondering how long it will be until someone emerges, dashing to their car with the handicapped tag, clearly not struggling in any way. It happens more often than not, that the person with the tag is anything but handicapped. Perhaps the handicapped person is waiting for the car to be brought to them. If so, why use a handicapped spot?

I'm tired of fighting to live, fighting to keep going, fighting to have at least some semblance of life in my life. It's simply too much effort for too little reward. I think the reason people die from this disease is because they want to. They simply get to the point where they are just too tired.