Attitude

Robin Williams had just been diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease. He had spent most of his life struggling with depression. I am living with ALS and constantly struggle with depression. When I die the papers will say nothing. There is nothing to be said; I am just an ordinary working stiff, a regular joe who raised his family and paid his bills. My disease is slowly bankrupting me, along with slowly stealing every bit of movement from me. I consider my own suicide now and again, but each time I simply say "not right now". One day that will change, but not today.

I think a lot of the reason for my enthusiasm for life lies in my own attitude. I am forever curious about what might happen tomorrow. My own sense of life is best expressed as "You're going to live until you die; you might as well live before you die." Add into that a fair bit of "I no longer give a shit", and you have pretty much described my general attitude towards not just life, but death as well. I certainly think about suicide, but that is almost immediately followed by the thought "What about tomorrow?".

I know that my "hell bent for leather" approach to being alive has its downside. I suspect there are more than just a few people I have pissed off lately, more than the odd person here or there who was had to deal with the crap I leave behind in my wake. I am sorry for that, sort of, but not a lot. It may cause people in my life to leave it, that's true. Some say "you can never have enough friends". That's not true. My real friends are with me constantly, helping me deal with this pile of crap that is now my life. They encourage me, even in my bad behaviours at times, and help me when I screw it all up. They are real friends.

Winston Churchill once said "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference." Trust me, I got "tude", in spades. Perhaps the only thing I worry about is those who are closest to me. I want to be sure that I don't go over that edge, or at least not once too often. I want to be sure that my desire to squeeze every bit out of what remains of my life is not completely destructive to those around me. I can see it happen sometimes, where the nonsense that falls out of my mouth or the thoughtless actions I take cause them to distance themselves from me.

I don't care all that much about living or dying. I care about how I live, not where I live. I care about those who are with me on this roller coaster. I try my best, but it's hard to keep it all together sometimes. That's when I really need the extra push from a little bit of attitude.