Wednesday, 6 August 2014

I Don't Feel Like Writing

I don't feel like writing today; I knew this would happen one day, that eventually the effort of writing something would be more than I was able to make. I am going to push myself, make myself write, simply because I know if I stop once, I will stop again and again. So even though I don't feel like writing, I will write

There are a couple of things contributing to my not wanting to write today. First, my hands and arms are tired, my general level of fatigue is high. This is due in part to my late night last night, but also to the general tiredness that is with me every day. Second, I am feeling more and more like I have less and less to contribute, both in this blog and in general. The last few days have been tough on me that way, with me thinking there is so little that I have left, so little that is worthy of interest or attention.

Last night at trivia there was a young man dominating the table. This should come as no surprise to me of all people; I almost always dominate the table. However this young man was so intent on winning, so certain that he knew all the answers, that he was ignoring most of the others at the table. I was not the only one to feel ignored; others have talked to me about feeling the same way when this person is at the table.

The other day I asked one of the other players why she felt this way. She said he ignores others and doesn't really play as a team member, but more like he is the only one there. She said that to me last week; she didn't come to trivia this week. After spending about half the evening feeling the way she felt, I just said to the team "I don't like being ignored. I'm going to go play with another team." I did just that; the team I joined ended up winning.

There was a time when I was relevant, when I mattered. I get the feeling that I don't anymore. I feel like I am all too easy to ignore these days, marginalized in my wheelchair. I said something last night, made my case known. I am sure I can participate in life still. It's just that I am feeling less and less capable, less willing to put in the energy. Energy is what it's all about, and that's what I don't have enough of. That's why I don't feel like writing.

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