Sunday, 3 August 2014

Don't Respond

Some of you are going to read what I write today and think you need to do something, to respond, to reach out to me. You will think I need you in some way, or that this blog entry is a cry for help. It is neither. I want nothing from anyone. This is just a place for me to say how I am feeling today, this is a part of my journey; it is mine and mine alone, a walk that I take solitary.

I am tired today, too tired for explanation or definition, tired as if I had spent endless hours on a Herculean task or like a man too many days without sleep. Yet I have slept, 14 hours on Saturday and 16 hours today. With all this I am tired, hands to tired to pull on compression socks, body too tired to wiggle into pants, fingers too tired to button a shirt.

With all this tired, I have arisen, resentful of my blog, demanding of me that I write, that I keep my commitment to myself. I am up, coughing, rubbing sleep from my teared eyes, feeling the sweat of an overheated apartment, all the while wishing I had not left my bed. I am worn and weary, ready to give up the day to sleep once again.

My shoulders hurt, my neck hurts, my hands hurt, my body hurts; all a low grade pain like an arthritic. My upper body is one big ache and my lower body is numb with inactivity. Nothing on me works like it should; no part of me functions normally any longer. I am just a semi-functioning animal, living a pseudo-human life.

Today is the kind of day when I want to quit, when I wish it was just done with me. Today is the day I feel like I am dying from ALS, not living with it.

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