Something In The Way

I don't want to die, at least not yet. I want to live and I am ready to live as much as I can for as long as I can. Yet within this life that I live, there are many moments where I wonder if it is all worth it, if the work and effort of being here provides enough reward to keep going. The struggle of so many parts of my daily existence is something most people simply cannot grasp. The humiliation that encompasses so much of my loss and inability is a daily weight, a pressure on me, a burden which I am forced to carry.

The simple issue of going to the bathroom is a great example of this. For the second day in a row I have awoken with "tummy trouble"; it really was the cherries. I ate too many I guess, and they are having that laxative effect which, in combination with coffee and other foods, causes me to get out of bed in a hurry and head for the throne room, hoping I can make it one time.

Of course the problem isn't just getting there; it's getting out of whatever I am wearing before it's too late. What a lot of people don't realize is how well trained your body becomes with respect to having a bowel movement. For most, it starts with the pressure sensitivity that says it's time to go. You go into the bathroom and drop your drawers, then you sit and things happen pretty much automatically from that point, in most cases. What you don't think about is the training you are giving yourself. Sit... then go.

But what happens when something interrupts all that training? What happens when something is in the way when you sit, something that you cannot quickly get out of the way? For me, the process has just that interruption. I sit, then I have to struggle out of my jeans and underwear while sitting. In the meantime, however, the bodily functions that I have trained for nearly 60 years are in automatic, wanting to start their side of the process the minute I sit.

This interruption of process is worse when urgency increases. A body wants to do what a body wants to do. So here is my challenge to all of you. Next time you go to the toilet, sit on it fully clothed. Then try and get your jeans off without standing or lifting. Let me know what that does to your level of success. I know what it does to mine.