Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Friday; Get Ready

Perhaps it is my Gaelic heritage, that incessant line of Scots and Irish for whom compliance and ordered behaviour was not only nearly impossible, but highly unlikely. Perhaps it is my Anglo-Saxon heritage, that improbably blending of the inevitable with the inconceivable, both parties of whom saw no other way but theirs. Perhaps it was my upbringing, seeing the unlikely as possible, and the impossible as inevitable. I don't know.

What I know for sure is this. I will do what I want to do, regardless of those who fear for me, regardless of those who are frightened that I might do it. I will do what I need to do, what I must do, what I am driven to do, regardless of those who will counsel me in the uncertainty and absurdity of what I am intent on doing. It is only the freedom to move forward, the power of what I can do, that keeps me doing it. When I stop, it will be over.

I am a stubborn man, insistent on my ability to do what I can for as long as I can. This is my only weapon left in life. I am no longer able to buy my way out of trouble. I am no longer able to force my way through. I am no longer able to negotiate, reason, navigate, or perambulate. I have pretty much reached the end. All I can do now is insist, and persist.

All of this is preamble; warning, if you wish, about what I am about to do. Perhaps I will not do it today, but do it I will. That doing is the next trip, the next road trip, on which I am about to embark. I know that there will be those who see nothing but fearful outcome and disaster. I know there are those who will see, first and foremost, all the things which could fail, all that which could go badly. I know there are those who will supplant my desire to live with their fear of what living might do to me.

I don't care.

Okay, perhaps I do care. I must confront myself, asking if I will allow my compassion for their feelings and fears to dominate my desire to live what I have left in my life. Plain and simple, I can no longer worry or concern myself with what might happen. Whatever happens I will deal with it. That's how I keep going.

So, regardless of partnership or outcome or resource, I am going on the road again. It is where I am free. Someone will seize a credit card. Someone will freeze a bank account. Someone will find me, hunt me down, demand that which I cannot pay. In the end it really doesn't matter. I will die from ALS. All the rest is crap.

Friday. That's the day. You can be with me or against me, in support or in fear. You can join me or be apart from me. No matter what, you can watch the show. I plan on living until I die. I plan on moving until I stop. If nobody rescues me, I will simply die where I end up. Between me and home lies nothing but money and time, and I am running out of time. I don't really give a shit about the money.

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