Exhaustion Day

I am still in bed. I have been in bed all day, not even getting up to go pee. Thank goodness for my jug. It had to happen eventually on this trip, that all of the driving, activity and excitement would finally get to me, putting me in a state of total exhaustion. Today is that day.

There are actually a few factors that lead to this day, not just the activity of this road trip. First and foremost, beyond the exertions of daily activity, are the kinds of exertions that go with this trip. Almost every day involves loading and unload the truck, packing and unpacking, moving suitcases,bags and boxes. The activity is a different kind, on top of the driving. That takes its toll.

Then there is the emotional stuff which happens regardless of where I am. Yesterday I got word of another young Mom in our ALS group who has passed away. She was in her late 30's, with small children and a husband who will miss her dearly. People die all the time, Young people die often enough to make it sad but not surprising. It's just that ALS is such a terrible way to die, so much harsher for someone who is young, with so much to live for.

I also got my credit card statement yesterday. It wasn't a shock, per se. I expected a big number. The challenge is that I have never been in debt like this in my life, or at least not since I was a very young man, struggling to get life started, with a future in front of me. To be where I am in life, to face what I am facing, and to have this kind of debt scares the hell out of me. I know that fear is irrational. After all, what can happen that is any worse than what is already happening? Nonetheless, it is unsettling.

In fact a number of things, mostly minor, came together last night to compound my emotional distress. Were I at home, I would have helped myself to a full scale melt-down, one with the big, ugly, snotty ALS cry that comes out at those moments. Last night I decided to stay sober, to face my emotions like a man, fully capable of understanding them.

This approach did not stop the melt-down; it just changed it. There were no tears, no histrionics, no emotional catharsis. Instead I talked a bit to Katherine and tried to sleep. That's when the trouble began. It started with uncontrollable shaking, my body twitching in almost every muscle, rattling me ceaselessly for at least an hour. After that, I simply could not sleep. I watched the clock tick past 3:00, 4:00, and even 5 AM. I remember drifting in and out of sleep at around 5:30 AM, and finally thinking to myself at around 7:00 AM that I should just get up.

I couldn't take a sleeping pill; it would leave me too groggy to drive. Little did I know that I wouldn't be driving regardless. So I lay there, hoping. When Katherine woke up, she took one look at me and said "We are staying here today so you can rest." So we did. I went back to sleep. About an hour ago, she came to me and said I had to get up, that if I slept all day I wouldn't sleep tonight. So I am up, sort of, typing my blog entry in bed.