I Gave Up A Bit This Morning

PALS talk, and write, a lot about never giving up. You see things like #NEGU for Never Ever Give Up, or slogans like "No White Flags". The truth is that with ALS, you do give up, only it's a little bit at a time, just like the disease. You give up on things which are just too difficult to continue, where your strength and abilities are simply stretched too far. You don't give up because you want to; you give up because you have no other choice.

There are times, however, when you really do give up, giving in to the circumstances and challenges of your disease. You stop doing things because they are just too awkward or challenging. You skip social engagements because you are just too tired, or because there are stairs in the way, or because you no longer have the money for social stuff. You have to make tough choices on where to expend your limited resources.

Last night I had to call the fire department once again to get into my building. Instead of my local firehall, where the crews pretty much have all had a turn, it was a team from a different firehall, lead by a fellow who really had no idea what was up. His opening comments to me after I explained that I needed help getting upstairs were, "We shouldn't be doing this. We are an emergency service." I went through the explanation of the situation again, acknowledge his concern, and pointed out that it was the very fire department dispatch which encouraged me to call for help. "The other crew", I said, "has told me repeatedly that this is their job and I should call."

After we got going, he settled down. After a bit more encouragement on my part, they actually started having fun with the stair walker. At the end, the fellow agreed that it was a good call, and interesting too. Unfortunately the emotional damage to me was done.

This morning I had an appointment for a compression sock fitting. I was to be there at 11:15 AM. I needed to call the fire department to help me get downstairs. I did not want to make that call; I did not make the call. I cancelled my appointment. I will deal with it after the elevator is fixed. In reality, I gave up. This whole thing is just too much for me to deal with. I flew a white flag this morning.