Happy, Sad

My hands are shaking badly today. The Katherine tells me I have been too excited for the last few days, plus I've had too much scotch. She's right about the excitement, possibly even about the scotch. It has been a very exciting few days. This weekend has been the celebration of my sixtieth birthday. My actual birthday is on Tuesday, July 21. There will be a much less effusive celebration on that day.

This weekend started with my brother Peter, along with my friends Chris and Chris, and myself having our own small gathering on Saturday night. It would be fair to say that I over-consumed in the scotch department. I would like to think I had a very good time; the guys tell me I did. Mostly I can't remember anything after about 10:00 PM when Katherine made the wise decision to go home, and Dianne made the wise decision to go to bed.

I woke up on Sunday morning very much worse for the wear, having let the dragon loose on Saturday night. When I get more than a few drinks into me, the emotions that lay buried inside me  slip their chains and make their way to the surface. Mostly I keep these strong personal feelings contained; they are mine and mine alone to carry. Yet when alcohol loosens my inhibitions, what is in there comes out.

What is in there is kind of scary, a combination of massive distress over what is happening to my once strong and capable body, true unhappiness about my impending death, and a real and powerful anger about what has happened to my life lately. It's unfair to let that loose. When the sadness comes out, as it did on Saturday, it makes others around me, those who love me, terribly sad too. When the anger comes out, I just turn into a massive asshole. I prefer to keep the anger well hidden; the sadness is not all that deep, staying just below the surface.

I while ago the anger came out in a group of my friends. I didn't even know it was there until it was too late. I've seen it before, a few months back, when I was angry with one of my groups. That anger joined in the party and I was a real jerk for while. I adjusted my medications and the anger came back into control. It's back again, so I think I need to adjust my medications again.

The sadness never goes away. No amount of medication can take it away, unless I become stupified. The sadness will never go away. I will live with it every day for the rest of my life. Even good days are tinged with the colour of distress. That's just the way it is. I just have to deal with it, finding the joy in the moment. And there are a lot of joyful moments. That's why I live for the now, in the light of today. That's where I can be happy.