Forgiving Myself

I was going to write this morning about starting the new drug regimen for my FTD and depression. But I won't. It doesn't really matter. I've started it, and we will have to wait a few days to see if it makes a difference. What really matters is that I have a plan, an action to take control of my life once again, a chance to get past the psychological effects of this disease. At least this can be treated.

Instead, I want to talk about forgiveness. I am perhaps the hardest person I know when it comes to forgiving myself, and one of the easiest I know when it comes to forgiving others. Self-forgiveness takes so much time, and so much effort for me. I think, at the heart of it, is this base sense within myself that I am not worthy of forgiveness, that every error I make, every stumble in my life, is enormous, stupid, foolish, and so many other self-destroying terms.

I can recall errors from many years past and still feel the shame, the self-condemnation associated with them. I can still feel the powerful self-loathing, often over something so small, so simple, that other people will have long since forgotten the event. In spite of years going by, I can recall some event where I clearly embarrassed myself, or clearly hurt someone else, and feel myself judging myself and finding myself wanting, failed, damaged, or just plain stupid. I should have known better.

The thing is, I suspect I have made no more, nor fewer, mistakes than anyone else around me. I am most likely just sort of average when it comes to my life failings. Certainly there are those who have done better; certainly there are those who have done worse. In this area, I try very hard not to compare; it never comes out good for me. I have to just know that I am mostly a fairly ordinary person from this perspective, that I make mistakes as does everyone else.

All I really have to learn is how to forgive myself, just as I forgive others. I seem to be able to let go of others trespasses in life, now all I need to do is let go of my own. This "growing up" stuff never stops. Even at age 60 I am still working through things in my life. Having ALS just makes it a bit more complicated, a bit more challenging.