Friday, 12 February 2016

I'm Feeling Better

I've gone a full 24 hours without contemplating suicide. I've been busy, active, engaged in doing things. I've had conversations and, in the midst of active chatter, stopped myself and thought about whether a certain subject or choice of phrasing was appropriate. I've even had a quiet moment, where my mind was empty of thought, and it stayed that way for a few moments. I smiling as I write, even though I am alone, sitting in my wheelchair, in the lonely quiet of my small apartment.

I think the medication change is working.

It's an amazing thing, the way a simple drug adjustment can make such a difference in my mood, in my attitude, in my desire to be alive. The reprieve from depression, the relief from emotional stress, makes it possible for me to see the beauty in the fog outside my window, to see the wonder of a pine cone offering itself up as food for the magpies in my tree, to stop once again and remember that I am not just dying from ALS, but living with it.

Part of me wants to say that I should have seen this coming on, this slide into a black pit. In retrospect I can see events which should have warned me. But I didn't see them, not until it was so obvious that everyone else could see something was wrong with me. The reason is simple. I didn't see the changes for the same reason you don't see the physical changes associated with ALS; they are incrementally small, and you are in the midst of them while they are happening. It takes an event to let you know something bad has happened.

I'm not out of the woods yet. I have more apologies to make, more explanations to give. I have to give myself a while to get stable, to become less up and down. I have to see if this change takes hold, and stays with me for a while. If it does, great! If not, then we adjust the dosage once again.


  1. Good luck to you my dear son. No one can possibly blame you for whatever your condition makes you do. I am just happy you are with us/me and still operating. I love you snd want you to be as happy as possible. Love Mom

  2. I don't get the apologies. You're not the first, not the last to say or do the wrong thing. You said sorry where you need to say sorry and not dwelling on it is better for your health.

    If the drinking is the black pit, and you didn't notice it as an issue, but other people do, then you have to consider cold turkey. Just find something else you like to drink almost as much. In your universe, if a black pit leads to drinking, and is not drinking itself, then you need to nix the alcohol at least for a few months.