Friday, 5 February 2016

I'm Sorry

I try to be a good person. I try very hard. I work hard at caring for the needs of others, at listening to others, at considering other people in my decisions. Yet I so consistently fail at this, so consistently behave in ways or do things that make me ashamed of myself. I offer no excuse. I am simply imperfect, unable to be all that humanity would want of me.

I know I often speak before thinking, or at least I think I speak before thinking. It's interesting to watch others, people I know very well, to see them deliberate before they respond, to see them take time to formulate a response. These people do so much better in their relationships with others, yet it seems I am unable to develop this ability. I seemed destined to be the way I am, quick to respond, slow to think about the impact of my response.

All I can do at the end is say that I am sorry if I hurt you, sorry if my actions were inappropriate to the situation, sorry if my words were the wrong ones. I spend a lot of time saying I am sorry, feeling sorry for something I said. It beats down on me, yet I struggle constantly with changing my response patterns. I am getting a bit better, but one would have hoped that by age 60 I would have figured this out. It makes me feel like I have failed in life, to still struggle with such a basic thing after all these years.

I wish I could be a normal person, an ordinary person, a regular person. I know. There are no ordinary people. We live in a world full of people who are different, people who are not like one another, people who are unique. Still, I wouldn't mind being somewhat within the normal range. But I am not.

Perhaps the best thing I can say about myself is that I am unusual, different. I don't think like normal people. Sometimes I don't think at all. I am mostly unaware, or at least selectively aware of the feelings of others; I work hard to counteract this tendency, to make myself aware but it doesn't always work that way. My own emotions, my own feelings, often overwhelm any thoughts I have about the people around me. So I do things, react to situations, behave in ways that show limited concern, little caring for others. Then, sometimes in a few minutes, sometimes days later, I realize my stumble. By then the damage is done.

This is the way I am. I'm sorry. Please forgive my failures, my sins. I pray that God will.

1 comment:

  1. Hi. Everybody has bad days or sometimes just a bad hour where they say things they don't mean. Even the people that look like they never do that, they do. They just don't tell you about it.