Sunday, 17 July 2016

It's 50% Physical And 100% Mental

I grow increasingly tired and weak these days. My left shoulder is next to useless, although in the oddest of progressions, my lower left arm is just fine, and my upper left arm, while weakening, can still compensate for the loss of strength in my shoulder. But then there is my left hand. That thumb injury continues to plague me, painful and persistent. There is little I can do about it, so basically it means my left side is slow and difficult.

My right shoulder is still better than my right, but it too is showing signs of weakening. The biggest thing is the pain. Almost every time I do something the muscles in my shoulders and upper arms feel like they have been "pulled", overworked. There is no time, absolutely no time, when something isn't hurting me.

Oddly enough, I don't think it will be the physical stuff which drives me over the edge. I think it is the relentless feeling of loss, and of failure. The continual sense that I am less and less each day, my dependence on others increasing constantly, my abilities diminishing even as I watch them. This disease is as much mental as it is physical. In fact, the mental part is probably even more impactful than the physical part.

Let's face it, having someone do all your housekeeping and cleaning is certainly not a curse. Getting to sleep whenever I want for as long as I want is certainly not a challenge. The fact that someone helps me with showers or other bodily functions is just an inconvenience, something you get used to very quickly.

But you never get used to the feelings.

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