Managed Emotions

I have limits. There is only so much I can take, both physically and emotionally. Those limits are fairly close. Reaching them is easy; a busy day, a late night, a strong emotional interchange, even just sitting and thinking sometimes. In fact some of my worst time emotionally is when I am home along at night, just thinking about stuff, my life, what's happened to me.

This week I have a run of very busy days. Somewhat like a small child, I get over-excited by these days, over-stimulated. I run out of energy, and emotional capacity, very quickly. So I need a break, a real break, in between things. That's what yesterday was, a break. It wasn't a complete day off. I did go shopping, and Dion came over to help straighten things up after the party on Friday. But it was a break.

The emotional stuff can tear a lot out of me. This has had the unfortunate effect of making me careful around committing those emotions. Plus I take medications these days to keep my emotions in check. This means I cannot express what I feel as well as I used to. Perhaps I don't even feel what I used to feel as well as I used to. This disease has really messed up a lot of stuff in my life.

Add to that that being tired makes me cranky, and all of a sudden you have a guy who seems hard, mean, and even cruel at times. It doesn't happen very often. Most people never see it at all; it looks more like humour and my usual inappropriate behaviour. Nonetheless, I can feel it on the inside. I can feel those walls protecting my emotions, my emotional state. I know that I am limiting myself, managing what I have to use it where I need it the most.

I wish I could give more, more of myself, more of my emotions. I can't. They're pretty much all tied up in dealing with ALS. What's left are not always the good ones. And that means I have to manage them even more.