Monday, 4 March 2013

Ask Me. I Dare You!

I live a public life, an open life. I am not a keeper of secrets, a hoarder of "personal" stuff. For me the lines between my public self and my private self are non-distinct, blurry. I have a few areas where I am careful when I blog, but not many. Where I am careful it is out of consideration for others, not myself.

This seems unique. Most people are surprised about how open I am when I write. That openness permeates my life. My life is so simple and uncomplicated that there is nothing to hide. I have nothing that shames me and I see most of my errors as simple, human foibles. There are only a few truly private things, those things we do alone. Yet even those things are not so unique that they must be hidden, undiscussed. Why hide those things that everyone must have in their life? Why secret away those "personal" shames that we all have?

When I was growing up there were constant secrets. Grownups talked about things in hushed tones so we didn't hear. Adults snuck around, avoiding capture, so they could do their secret deeds whatever they were. We were sent from the room as conversations became "not for children". I don't want that. If adults behave in ways that children cannot see or hear, then they need to change their behaviour and conversation.

I want to live my life in a way that the light can shine into all corners. I want to live my life so that my mistakes don't horrify, and when I make them the shame of error is small. If it isn't small, then I want others to know that I am human and I make mistakes, and that some of them are bad. My good judgement and my poor judgement should be visible, open to question. If I cannot answer, then I have something to learn.

Certainly there are things I don't like to talk about. Some of the more graphic details around my health challenges are perhaps more than some of you would like to read. I don't need to go into detail with respect to my biological functions and ablutions each morning; we all know what that looks like. The only difference for me is the difficulty with which I address things like getting onto and off of the toilet, the challenge of cleaning my rear end while seated on a shower seat unable to rise, or other choice elements we can leave undescribed.

Being open is easy for me. I have nothing to hide. There are no secrets in my life. If you want to know, simply ask. In some cases I will tell you before you even ask. Someone with secrets has something to hide. Secrets are about shame and power. I am powerless and I am unashamed. Where I have power or am ashamed, I make no secret of it.

Go ahead, ask me!


  1. I'm asking about the secrets of your childhood, hiding things and whispering. Don't remember all that. But then my memory is not too clear on things past.

  2. You seem like a wonderful person. You have all the qualities of a great person ... intelligent, thoughtful, considerate, funny, have a good job, have good parents,children & friends, etc. Why are you in the midst of a bitter divorce? Just wondering....


  3. Hi Anonymous

    That is a tough question. I guess if you asked different people you would get a lot of different answers. I am not perfect and our marriage was definitely a struggle. In the end I felt so out of place and irrelevant in my marriage that I left and told her I wanted a divorce.

    She is very angry at all this. She blames me for being unhappy and for the failure of our marriage. She hired the most aggressive psychotic lawyer she could find and they are doing everything in the most punishing and difficult way. She is pretty much convinced that since I left I deserve nothing, and that she shouldn't have to work because I can and do, and because I do well.

    On my part, I did leave. I did "abandon" her. I was miserable and our marriage had been on the rocks for a long time. In fact I first left her a decade ago. I went back because I thought we could make things work. We couldn't.

    Like all marriages, it takes two. Neither of us is a bad person. Together we could not manage to make a good marriage.

    How's that do?


  4. was there a third person involved?

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  6. Nope. No third person was involved. I did not cheat on my wife and I don't believe she cheated on me. We lost faith in other ways.