Katie strikes again! One of her weekly prompts was to write about my greatest aspirations, to write about what I most wanted to have in life, or to be in life. When I was a young man I most wanted money. I wanted to be rich enough that I would never have to listen to anyone else telling me what to do. Then I got married and had children. As I adjusted into these new roles, I slowly realized the most important thing in my life was to be a good father and a good husband, to be the family man, the provider, the source of all good things for my children and my wife.
Things didn't quite work out the way I expected. I don't want to say a lot about being a good husband; that just won't work out well. As to being a good father? I have learned a bit along the way but I still struggle at it.
There are lessons I wish I had done a better job at with my children. I wish I could have done better at showing them how to be kind, how to be considerate, how to be generous. I'm not saying they aren't those things. In fact I sometimes wonder where on earth they learned it so well. What I am saying is I wish I had done a better job at modeling these traits. The great irony is that now that I am learning so much about these things, I won't have long to be these things. I aspire to show these qualities in my life.
I wish I had done a better job at managing my anger. Anger in me has always been just below the surface. I have always been quick to anger. It has been a major stumbling block in my life, one that I have only recently begun to get a handle on. It has taken me many years to get to the point where anger is not my first response, and when I am really focused, it is not even my second response. I aspire to reach a calmer place in all things.
I wish I could have been more successful in keeping my marriage together, to have been the kind of man that my wife, or any wife, would have said "I am glad he is mine". I know it takes two for a marriage to work and I feel I did the best I could. I wasn't enough, and for that I am sad. I would have liked my kids to have seen what a good marriage looked like, the giving, the willingness to put someone else first, the desire to share a life, the understanding that a marriage has to work for both people or it doesn't work at all. I aspire to be a better husband, and a better man.
Over the 27 years I have known you, Richard, you have shown me how to be kind, how to be considerate, and how to be generous. You certainly modeled thos traits to me, and if your kids have not seen that, they simply need to brush away any interference and look.
ReplyDeleteAs for anger: I have rarely, if ever, seen you quick to anger. To never get angry you would need to give up caring about life, the universe, and everything. Your life would be bland, and you would hate that.
As for your marriage, I will attest that you tried... oh, how you tried.
Chris I do agree with you. Richard has never gotten angry with me, He has always helped me in any way he could. He even put up with my ignorance when it came to computers and my call Of help Rick. He has been a friend to me as well as a son and I am happy and proud that he is mine. I hope we meet again in a future life wherever that may be.
ReplyDeleteRichard was a good dad to his kids. I always saw him as a good role model. And marriage is a two way street, not alwasy a 50/50 arrangement. Rick you gave more than you received. I love you!
I think Dad's anger is similar to my own. I stuggled to control it through my teenage years and early twenties. I have oodles of patience with others (I think my prolonged time in customer service has assisted with me overcoming it) and I am no longer quick to anger/irritate except with my immediate family. There's just something about knowing someone so intimately that they can just push the wrong button and you're off in an instant. It's tough.
ReplyDeleteBefore Grandpa died he gave Ricky this advice, "Don't let your anger push away the ones you love." Uncle Adam recently said to me "Don't line up your allies and shoot them." It seems this challenge is well founded in our family, Mary. It's not you; it's your genetics.
ReplyDeleteIn this last part of my life, this will be my focus, to take the frustration and anger that I feel and manage it, to see the damage it can cause and not let that happen.
You can start early on this. You have time. You can succeed.
Well, jeez - I hate to be a negative nancy here, but I have seen Richard's anger, and been at the receiving end of it. And he has seen mine, and been the receiver of that. My observation, Mom and Chris, is that for some mystical reason, we seem to be able to control our tempers with some people and situations, but others trigger this response in us very powerfully, and it takes a lifetime to learn to not be provoked. I am still learning, and that's a fact.
ReplyDelete