Tuesday, 1 October 2013

I Worry; It's What I Do

It all wears you out, dealing with the day to day stuff of life then dealing with the medical issues. It makes me tired, even at the start of my day. Now, mornings are never good for me; I am an afternoon kind of guy. But sleeping all day doesn't do it either. I take a while to wake up. So typically I am at my lowest point when I get out of bed.

This morning I lay in bed worrying. There is a lot to worry about in my days. I worry about my health. I worry about the blood tests and my PT/INR levels. I worry about my shoulder, the pain and the slow recovery. I worry about money, paying the rent and making ends meet. I am worried today because I am meeting the Realtor, or rather he is meeting me, here in my apartment. Shopping for a new home is not too much to worry about; I am more concerned about getting a mortgage. My brothers tell me that based on my historical income and down-payment I should be all right, but I worry that they might be incorrect in their assertions.

All of this worry, for no good reason, is foolish. I know this yet I cannot stop it. Like a dog with a bone, I must chew on it relentlessly. Then, just when I think I am done, I bury one bone and dig up another, so I can chew all over again. This worry is really a result of having too much time on my hands, having no real reason to get up in the mornings and no real focus for the clock cycles in my brain.

I had planned on going back to work this fall, part time, just enough to give me some sort of focus. I haven't gotten there yet, haven't made the effort to get some work. Part of me says no, part of me says yes. I worry about whether or not I can do anything, given the way my energy levels fluctuate. I worry that people won't want me, won't want my skills and abilities, won't want my knowledge and experience, all because of the limitations of ALS.

I suppose the bottom line is this; I am a worrier. It is what I am good at. I used to get paid for it; I used to be the designated worrier on the projects I managed. Now all that talent is going to waste. I worry about that too.

1 comment:

  1. You must take after me for worrying Richard. I am so worried about you and useless to help. Maybe you might tell me what you want from me. You msut be so worriesd about the future. I know I am. Lovr