Wednesday, 12 February 2014

It's Better To Feel Happy

I woke this morning feeling good, not feeling the panic and anxiety that has accompanied my waking moments for so many days now. I've spent what seems like months deep in a depression, although it certainly cannot be that long. I've struggled with it, feeling myself slide deeper and deeper into the mire that is that place of dark emotion. I hit bottom sometime in the last couple of weeks; I know this just by looking at what I've written.

It must have been hard for some of you to follow that journey, to glimpse into the dark places where my spirit crept, to know of the hidden anguish that came along for this ride. Yet it must also be enheartening to see that this depth is not a permanent residence, but a passing tide. For me the last couple of weeks have been a climb out, my emotions grasping at handholds and helpers, snatching bits of ground as I climbed upwards, sliding back down into the mud of emotions as I let go along the way.

Today I can see light. Today I can see a better day. I awoke this morning, for the first time in many weeks, looking forward to my day, without a thought about my ALS. Even as I muscled myself about the bed, it was not ALS I was thinking of; it was getting out of bed. It was not death that haunted me; it was a positive feeling about living and being alive. While the normal challenges of toilet and dressing were with me, they were not onerous; they were just a part of my morning.

When I was out with my friends at Trivia last night, I told them I was "sick and tired of feeling depressed". While the general consensus is that I have a good reason to be depressed, were it not for the support and care of those around me I might have stayed there. Having bad things happen is not what drives depression; for me it is the loss and lack of hope, and the fear of how this will all end.

I know how this will end. Along the way it might get scary but I have a wonderful support network, both here and out on the coast. I have great friends, some I have known for a few years and some I have known for nearly a lifetime. I have a family that loves me, children that love me, a life to live and look forward too. While this may be a tough trip over the next year or so, I want to be happy while I am here. It's just better that way. I appreciate what I have been given in life, and that makes all the difference.

1 comment:

  1. First time I've been to your blog in a month. From our other Facebook interaction what you say about yourself is true I have observed it. I observed it in you and in myself.
    I had three teeth pulled, sinus infection and bronchitis. I wasn't all pink & fuzzy either.
    I just knew we were struggling. Something's somebody sad about hoping to hit a plateau, I've been feeling better lately over the cold doing little more. It's the ups and downs of ALS. It's talk when we go through these transitions, we try to readjust ourselves so that we can get along as before. Transitions are random. So we hang onto our hat. I hope the bathroom remodeling project is going well. I am addressing my issues there as well. I haven't had a bath in two months. I'm getting one. hang in there.