A Continuing Trend

My emotional state is taking a bit of a pounding this morning. This isn't uncommon for PALS, me included, when we think on what's happening to us and what has happened to our lives. Often it is alone time that gets to me, time when I sit and contemplate things.

Last night I was sitting alone at my favourite pub, most of the patrons having gone home. Marty, the bartender for the night, was shutting down, switching off the TVs, mopping the floor, turning off the lights. A couple of other staff members were sitting at the bar, discussing the events of the evening. Nothing big happened; just another Tuesday night at trivia. I sat there, the room ever darkening as Marty turned off bank after bank of lights. He wanted to go home; the lights were a cue for me to leave.

Yet I sat there a few more minutes and thought about Tuesdays. Next Tuesday will be a major event in my life here in Calgary. I will be unable to attend my regular Tuesday night trivia group. The location has changed; it's upstairs in a bar where access is only by a lengthy flight of stairs. There is no way for me to attend unless I am physically carried up and down those stairs, a dangerous, risky proposition for both the carriers and the carried. So I will not go.

I've been going to trivia with this group of people for more than five years, a half of a decade. It's not all that long in the grand scheme of things, unless you put it into perspective by considering the changes in my life during that time. Five years ago I was married, living in Abbotsford, working in Calgary while flying home for weekends. Five years ago I was strong and healthy, or at least so I thought. Five years ago I could care for myself, my family, and others too, both financially and physically. At lot has changed since then.

There are other PALS who would love to have the ability to spend an evening at any pub, with anyone, rather than being trapped in their beds, stuck in their homes or hospital rooms. I am very fortunate to be able to do this. Yet I am also mourning the loss of one of the most significant parts of my life, that special time each week with the people I've spent so much time with over these last five years.

Last night, I started thinking about it. Those thoughts, that sense of sadness and loss, remain with me today. Once again my life is changing because of ALS. Once again I am losing something. To some it may not mean much. To me, it's part of a continuing trend. I just wish it would stop.