Wednesday, 16 March 2016

Fighting The Exhaustion.

I'm really tired today. I don't really know why I am so tired. I got plenty of sleep last night. I have been getting plenty of sleep overall lately. I haven't been pushing myself to hard, not at all. The roughest things I have done lately have been making wine and my Range of Motion exercises. Yet right now I feel like I could fall asleep, and stay that way for hours.

Of course I know what it is. It's ALS. It makes me tired, all the time, sometimes worse that others. Today is a tired day. That's all there is to it. I try hard to ignore these feelings of exhaustion. I try very hard to work through them, knowing full well that they will happen regardless of what I do. I can be up and about, feeling tired, or I can take a nap and wake up in a couple of hours, feeling tired.

This kind of denial, this ignoring of the fact, is one of the ways I defeat ALS. I cannot stop the disease, but I can fight like hell to stop it from destroying every facet of my life. I'm going to be tired. That's just the way it is. I'm going to be weak. That's just the way it is. If I ignore these elements, from a psychological perspective as much as I can, if I keep going and keep trying regardless of the exhaustion, the I am the master of my life, not this damnable disease.

Most likely what I will do is take a nap or watch some TV. No matter how hard I try, eventually I have to admit reality. It doesn't mean I will stop trying. Nor does it mean I expect anything miraculous because of my efforts. I just know that when I give something up, I will likely never do it again. And when I give up trying, that will be the worst loss of all.

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