Grumpy, That's Me

I woke up this morning feeling generally unhappy; angry at life, the world, the whole damn thing. I have a bit of a reputation for being curmudgeonly on occasion, and this morning I would have lived up to it completely. So I stayed in bed for a while, a long while, just dozing, ignoring the world around me, trying hard not to think about things.

It was birthdays that got to me. Today is my daughter's birthday; I am so happy for her, and happy that she is my daughter. I won't be there for her birthday today and I regret that. But I will see her soon.

In a few days my ex-wife will turn 60; all of my children are making the trip to Abbotsford to spend this special day with her. Two of them have no travel; they live in the same house. One will make the trip from Victoria, and Kate will drive down from Calgary. I am jealous; only Kate made it to my 60th birthday. The others couldn't afford the trip from the coast to Calgary. But then again, I am not there for Meaghan's birthday today, and her mother is. And I almost certainly will not be able to make it to Mary or Rick's birthdays this fall. Time and money will get in the way.

The woman who used to be my Mother-In-Law turns 91 a few days after that, about 10 days from now. I congratulate her. Despite numerous health issues and physical problems, she just keeps plugging along. I, on the other hand, will, if I am lucky, turn 61 this year, a full 30 years younger. It is unlikely I will be plugging along much after that. I will never see anything close to 91.

On the happy side, my Mom will turn 84 on April 7th. It is wonderful to see her still making her way in life, getting out daily, spending time with Ray. Notwithstanding her recent diagnosis as being in the early stages of Alzheimer's, she is cheerful and laughs easily. Her happiness is what makes her a great treasure for me.

These markers of the passage of time kind of get to me. I have been marking my passage too; there was the day I could no longer walk, the day I could no longer stand, the day I could no longer make the transfer into my truck, and many other marker days. But I get upset when I think about birthdays. I don't have a lot left.