Me Do

My energy level is returning to normal, or as normal as it gets for me. Sunday, with Betty's Walk and the party afterwards, wore me out. I suspect all the wine I drank had an impact as well. Regardless, one busy day, along with a late night, can clearly knock me out of the saddle for a while. I am back in the saddle again, folks. Tonight I plan on going out for dinner with a friend, then the two of us will go see Wonder Woman.

The last few days, especially Sunday, have convinced me of one thing for sure. I have to let people do stuff for me, do more stuff for me. I have to let people help me, allow others to take care of me. I simply am unable to care for myself anymore. I am clearly no longer independent, no longer able to do things for myself. This inability runs right the way through from dressing in the morning to undressing at night, although I still do that on my own.

Kathy, my Home Care Aide, calls it my "me do" attitude. It's what her little granddaughter says whenever she goes to help her. "Me do, Grandma. Me do." the language may be somewhat imprecise but it certainly reflects an attitude I share. I want to do for myself, even at the price of exhaustion. On Sunday I could not. I could not push myself along the walk. I could not get myself in or out of my truck. I could not get myself a post-walk hot dog. There was no "me do" present.

After the walk, Brad took over in the kitchen. There was no "me do". I know he is better equipped and more able to handle preparing food and cleaning up. Tanya and Brian did dishes afterwards; I can no longer wash a sink full of dishes. I can barely wash a single pot or plate. Various people brought my wine. David and Brian helped with my failed transfer to the couch. Dan planted flowers for me. Andrea bought my new deck chair and a pretty string of lights for my deck. Kate helped get my laundry out of the way, as well as helping me in and out of my truck.

Today I let Kathy dress me, completely, although I did do some of the underwear work. The effort with my underwear left me tired enough that she just took over. I know Micheal will not do this, so I still have some "me do" in me for the next couple of days. David will help a bit, but there will be a lot of "me do" on our trip. Still, I cannot do it all for myself. I am compelled to accept assistance.

This has been a difficult mental and emotional transition for me, the change from feeling independent with some assistance to being fully dependent on the assistance of others. It's hard to lose that sense of self-reliance, of self-capacity. It's hard to give up "carrying my own water", as my Dad would have said. It's hard to accept that I am unable to look after myself these days. There is very little "me do" left in me. I'm sad to see it go.