Another Reality Check

I have arrived at a couple of difficult decision for my life, aside from the big one which has already been made. No, these decisions have more to do with how I live my life day to day, not how it will end. I have decided that I will scale back my social activities, giving up going out as much, spending more time at home, likely by myself. I have also decided to give up completely on the idea of dating or any kind of intimate relationship.

With respect to social activities outside my apartment, the biggest issue is exhaustion, followed shortly thereafter by mobility and access. I think the defining issue for any social event these days will be whether or not I can get there in my power wheelchair. This means not only to the location, but into and around the location as well.

Doing things in my manual chair outside of my home has become too tiring. This is especially true now that I am no longer driving. While I can use a heavily subsidized cab system to get to and from events, there is still the issue of the large amount of energy spent wheeling myself about while out somewhere. It's just too much. So, unless there is true access for my power wheelchair, I am going to stay away.

Of course my social life has been naturally on the decline for some time. I go out far less than I used to. I no longer go to trivia nights, something which used to be at the core of my social activities. There are a limited number of venues these days, and few of them are truly accessible. I might start going back to the Cat n Fiddle, but even that will be challenging with winter coming on. Other things, like going to parties or social events has pretty much fallen away of its own accord. I just can't do it anymore.

Then there is my "love life". It's pretty much done with. Let's face it, nobody wants to start a relationship with someone having such a short life expectancy, or whose life is so constrained by illness. Even I wouldn't do it, so how can I expect anyone else to do it? No, it's a reality. I will be alone from here on out in that respect. It doesn't mean I am completely alone. I have friends and family all round. I am going to focus on that for what remains of my life.

Days alone are tough. Mostly what I want to do when I am home alone is go to sleep. I'm not gettng out much. I don't have a lot to do here at home. So sleeping as much as I want seems to work for me. That means getting up later, writing my blog in the afternoons or evenings, and not really making meals as often. All of these are already a part of my reality, so it's not a real change. It's more of a full realization of what has happened to me, to my life. It's sad. It's upsetting. It's depressing. It's also the reality for me, living with ALS.