Stubborn

There is a stubbornness wirhin me. Not an unwillingness to accept reality, but instead an unwillingness to accept the permanence of a situation where change is possible. Consider my wheelchair situation. I have made the decision to use the PWC as my principal wheelchair. This, however, does not mean I am compelled to use it all the time. Today is a good example.

It's an at home day today; I have no plans to go anywhere or do anything. Of course there are a million little things around the apartment I want to do, some of them within my capacity, others not so much. I want to go through my cupboards and tidy them up, organizing things as needed. That, however, is a bridge too far. On the other hand I plan on starting a new batch of wine today. My Home Care Aide, Sam, put the wine kit on my shower bench. I can do the rest of it from there. I'm going to fight hard to keep doing the things I can, like starting a wine kit, all the while recognizing that some things are just beyond my abilities these days.

Last night was another good example of my resistance to change, my unwillingness to give in to what some might percieve as an essential reality. For the first time ever, Home Care came to put me to bed at night. Olga arrived here at 9:00 PM. By 9:30 I was tucked in and ready for sleep. Except sleep did not come quickly. Like a small child, you might be able to put me to bed, but you can't force me to sleep. Eventually I did, and I slept well, especially with the blankets finally covering my toes, something I have been unable to achieve in a very long time.

I resisted Evening Care for the longest time. I like to stay up late. I like to have a few drinks. I like to have company over. So how could I possibly have someone come and put me to bed so early in the evening. The answer is simple. Resist for as long as possible, and when it is no longer possible, resist some more. When you finally cave in, make the concession partial at best.

The deal is that they come in and take off my compression socks, a real task for me. Then they change me out of day clothes and into evening clothes, sleeping clothes. They prepare the bed for me and make sure I have taken my evning pills. From there, it's up to me. I can stay up, on my own. I can stay up, with company. Or I can just go to bed, like I did last night. That's the resistance part. I do what I want; they help me.

So yes, I guess I can be stubborn. I try to think of it as determined. Determined to live my own life as long as possible. Determined to take care of myself as long as possible. Determined to keep going. Determined to live.