A Planned Departure

It will come as no surprise to some of you, and a disappointment to others, that I had planned a MAID exit for March 15th of this year. That's why I was getting all the MAID stuff together last December. That's why I got a Family Doctor to work with me. That's why I made sure I had enough wine and food in my apartment for a decent wake. So why am I still here?

Well, I guess the truth is that I am still more afraid of dying than I am of living. I knew things were going to get bad, and then worse. I knew I was going to become a captive in my own home. I knew I would have little to no contact, real physical contact, from my family, given their distance and issues. I knew my finances were going to get tougher than they already are. I knew I would lose my ability to lift my arms, let alone anything else. I knew I would pretty much lose all my ability to cook, the effort of it far surpassing any joy I get from it.

Yet I enjoy being here. David made the decision to leave all the more difficult with his decision to support my sale of the truck and purchase of the van. Without his financial assistance, that would never have happened. That, plus his promise of at least a couple of road trips, is enough to keep me wanting to be around until at least the summer. My daughter asked me to stick around until she has her wedding celebration this summer, although I suspect I will be in pretty bad shape by then. After all, I could not raise my left arm today.

Then the idea of live-in care made even more things seem possible. I can cook if I have a sous-chef. I can still go shopping, as long as someone helps with the stuff on the high shelves and carrying the bags. I will have company, companionship, even if it is paid help. The only hurdle I have this the shortfall in budget from AHS, about $500 a month. When I sell the truck, David has offered to make some of that available to me; I feel it might be a bridge too far. David has already invested a lot of his time and life in making mine better. Still, there is hope. It can happen.

I think the thing that worries me the most, the thing that will impact me the most, is the responsibility of having to pay someone that money every month, knowing that if I don't have it, I would be in serious trouble. A commitment to payroll is a big deal. Thanks to the GoFundMe, I have a couple of months in the bank. If I cut down on my food and liquor expenses, I can reduce that deficit, perhaps. Those are the only adjustment I can make. I've already almost completely eliminated dining out, going to movies, going to trivia nights. I don't have much room left. I guess that is what scares me the most. Asking for help for me is one thing. Asking for help so I can pay a live-in caregiver is something completely different.

And just so you know, the whole MAID thing is off the table for now. I have made no future appointments.