If this sounds like I am complaining, well, I am.
I awoke this morning in a slow motion kind of start. It's hard enough for me to wake up; it gets increasingly difficult when my arms, shoulders and neck all hurt at the same time. I have lots of days where one arm hurts or one shoulder or one side of my neck. Today it's everywhere, all at the same time. The pain is not excruciating or debilitating, or even bad enough to need medication. It's just there, below the surface, like a shark attacking the muscles beneath my skin only slower.
It's not enough that my muscles hurt. My jaw alignment has been off lately and I am noticing it more and more. It's still too slight for others to see it, but it is there. My lower jaw is pushing to the left and jutting forward slightly. I know it's there by the number of times I find myself chomping down on the inside of my left cheek.
It's not always when I eat; in fact these days I take more care when I eat so that I don't bite my lips or tongue. These days when I sleep my teeth tend to close randomly and my jaw wanders, thus placing either my tongue or inner lips in danger without my knowing it. So far I haven't bitten hard. So far I have awoken just enough to keep disaster from occurring. I can just see the headline "Man Bites Tongue While Sleeping, Bleeds To Death".
There have been other days like this; there will be more. These kinds of days are all about keeping going, about getting up enough energy to get up, about focusing enough on the outer rather than the inner to make it possible. I made myself get up. I made myself brush my teeth. When I went back to sit on my bed and dress, I forced myself to not lie down, but to stay in the moment and focus on getting dressed. I almost made it; I have to lie down to pull up my pants. Once down, I stayed there for about 10 more minutes. Then I finally made the transfer to my wheelchair.
So here I go, attempting to get something done between now and 5:00 PM. That's when I have company coming for dinner. It's a good thing I have some fabulous fish in sauce left from yesterday. It will make a wonderful meal, one I will not have to work to prepare. Then, at about 6:45 PM, I am off to Trivia. That should make me forget about the aches for a while. No more pain complaining for a while. This is enough.
You have every right to complain Richard. It is amazing that you don't do it more often.
ReplyDeleteThank you for keeping it real. I think sometimes sharing our struggle and pain is not only therapeutic for us but it is the only way to build understanding and empathy. Your strength is inspiring. For different reasons I too have had days where I lay in bed and tell myself that I can do it. I can get up, move, and keep going.
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