I Lost My Legs This Morning

I forgot where my feet were this morning; I lost them for a bit. That sounds odd, but not as odd as ALS makes it. You see, what really happened is that I thought my legs and feet were in one position, then looked down and realized they weren't where I thought they were at all.

This kind of thing happens to me a fair bit, that I forget about my leg positioning. It's a function of being paralysed. When I lay down on my back, my legs are down there somewhere, usually in a slight V-shaped position beneath my waist. That's how they seem to naturally end up. I can look down at them, seeing my feet bent forward in toe drop that happens even when I am horizontal. I just can't move them.

Most of us move our limbs automatically, without active thought. Our reflexive reactions say "Legs! Go there!"; and away they go, without purposeful focus on our part. Not so with ALS; not so with paralysis. I look down at my legs and say move, but they stay where they are. I try to force the issue, yet there they remain, immobile. There is no automatic movement.

On the other hand, now and again my brain forgets that my legs no longer take instruction. My brain forgets that simply sending a thought no longer results in a concomitant action, that wishing it doesn't make it so. In my brain, my legs have moved. On the bed, they remain immobile. So I think my legs and feet are in one position, only to look down and realize they aren't where I think they should be. I lose them for a moment.

This morning's loss was momentary, as they all are. My brain thought my knees were bent. My brain thought my legs were crooked up a bit sideways, with my feet resting at an angle. My brain was wrong; it sent the instructions but they were not received. Instead, once I looked down for them, there they were, straight as ever, in a slightly V-shaped position, with my toes drooping as usual. That's how I found them.